I don't. :'D
I'll just have multiple emotional breakdowns every time I have to do a presentation and the people around me are going to eventually get sick of my uselessness.
It's like my roommate said (in a very poorly timed moment when I was still being very emotional and trying to get over my freakout which made me feel a billion times worse and I got kinda mad because REALLY, THAT'S ONE OF THE SHITTIEST THINGS ANYONE COULD BE SAYING AT THAT MOMENT IN TIME but NEVERMIND. I NEED TO STOP BEING BUTTHURT OVER IT) - I live in a society where presentations are unavoidable and I'll just have to die. Over and over again.
I kinda wanna publicly declare my autism so that I can find some way to get exempted from all this.
I have no idea how I'm going to get over this very stupid, very irrational fear. I really don't know how to fix it.
My presentation went better than I thought it would - in a sense that I didn't stammer a lot, freeze up completely while presenting and start crying on the spot. Instead I froze up multiple times, continued speaking as clear as I could after that, and only cried after the presentation in front of my friends sitting at the table with Z holding my hand and telling me he was proud of me.
I wish this could be solved by a matter of preparation. I could prepare for a presentation for 10 years and I'd probably still have a major freak out on the presentation day itself. I wish it was as simple as me being unconfident about my content, but I'm not, because I'm usually fairly confident in the arguments I make. I don't like to attribute my fear/social anxiety to autism, even though I know for a fact that that is actually valid, because that feels like the easy way out. And unlike most whiny tumblrinas on the internet, I don't like having to ask to be excused or be treated specially because of my mental disorder. But I have to admit that it's very tempting. Because I hate presentations THAT much.
I'm just thankful that everyone in class were really, really friendly and supportive, and did their best to be as encouraging as possible. They were being so nice in their feedback:
And I also got sent this:
So all of that really made my day, and made me feel a little less shitty about being a dysfunctional human being.
On a less depressive note, my social circle has expanded, and my relationship-that-I-don't-know-how-to-define-because-we-actively-swerve-trying-to-explain-it (One side of me -Fairy calls this the INTJ side lmao- is extremely vexed at this not-knowing but my rational side is telling me it's ok to not define things) with Zucchini (apparently I named him Pasta in my previous post. Oops) is going well. I am unaccustomed to this peace, this no-fighting, and all these sweet little thoughtful acts that I've never had the fortune of receiving. I wish I knew how to reciprocate and express my gratitude but I don't. Hopefully I'll figure it out. I tried asking this really loud and obnoxious semi-friend of mine, but I don't think I have the shamelessness required to actually do what she says. Hell no.
I'm meeting MD and Tall Lolita tmr :DDDDD
I'LL BE WEARING LOLITA :DDDD
I'M SO EXCITED
I'll just have multiple emotional breakdowns every time I have to do a presentation and the people around me are going to eventually get sick of my uselessness.
It's like my roommate said (in a very poorly timed moment when I was still being very emotional and trying to get over my freakout which made me feel a billion times worse and I got kinda mad because REALLY, THAT'S ONE OF THE SHITTIEST THINGS ANYONE COULD BE SAYING AT THAT MOMENT IN TIME but NEVERMIND. I NEED TO STOP BEING BUTTHURT OVER IT) - I live in a society where presentations are unavoidable and I'll just have to die. Over and over again.
I kinda wanna publicly declare my autism so that I can find some way to get exempted from all this.
I have no idea how I'm going to get over this very stupid, very irrational fear. I really don't know how to fix it.
My presentation went better than I thought it would - in a sense that I didn't stammer a lot, freeze up completely while presenting and start crying on the spot. Instead I froze up multiple times, continued speaking as clear as I could after that, and only cried after the presentation in front of my friends sitting at the table with Z holding my hand and telling me he was proud of me.
I wish this could be solved by a matter of preparation. I could prepare for a presentation for 10 years and I'd probably still have a major freak out on the presentation day itself. I wish it was as simple as me being unconfident about my content, but I'm not, because I'm usually fairly confident in the arguments I make. I don't like to attribute my fear/social anxiety to autism, even though I know for a fact that that is actually valid, because that feels like the easy way out. And unlike most whiny tumblrinas on the internet, I don't like having to ask to be excused or be treated specially because of my mental disorder. But I have to admit that it's very tempting. Because I hate presentations THAT much.
I'm just thankful that everyone in class were really, really friendly and supportive, and did their best to be as encouraging as possible. They were being so nice in their feedback:
 |
| On a side note: Look at that perfect handwriting. How the hell...? |
And I also got sent this:
 |
| Kinda melted my heart. To a larger extent than depicted in the photo. |
So all of that really made my day, and made me feel a little less shitty about being a dysfunctional human being.
On a less depressive note, my social circle has expanded, and my relationship-that-I-don't-know-how-to-define-because-we-actively-swerve-trying-to-explain-it (One side of me -Fairy calls this the INTJ side lmao- is extremely vexed at this not-knowing but my rational side is telling me it's ok to not define things) with Zucchini (apparently I named him Pasta in my previous post. Oops) is going well. I am unaccustomed to this peace, this no-fighting, and all these sweet little thoughtful acts that I've never had the fortune of receiving. I wish I knew how to reciprocate and express my gratitude but I don't. Hopefully I'll figure it out. I tried asking this really loud and obnoxious semi-friend of mine, but I don't think I have the shamelessness required to actually do what she says. Hell no.
I'm meeting MD and Tall Lolita tmr :DDDDD
I'LL BE WEARING LOLITA :DDDD
I'M SO EXCITED
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