Hey everyone,
Sorry it's been a while since I've updated, I don't feel like I've had much of an excuse, given that it was the holidays, but I have been working part-time and have been physically exhausted, and, as usual, lots of things have been going on in my life.
Writing on my blog feels awkward now, I don't know if I'm all that comfortable with sharing very personal things out in the open. Maybe I'm just moving past my rebellious, teen-angst phase where I needed to express myself all the time. Maybe I'm just feeling less frustrated and repressed. Or maybe I'm just not very used to writing in a personal manner now. I really hope me taking creative writing will remedy that.
Anyway, I've really been going ham with my money ever since payday, I bought myself a Russian grammar book (it's tricky, but there are exercises and there's an answer key), a whole buncha cheap Taobao clothes (quantity>quality), a new petticoat, and the first payment for the pre-order of this BEAUTIFUL Taobao Lolita dress with a strawberry cake print:
I really wanted to get myself some skincare products and makeup, maybe a new pair of shoes, but if I do that I won't be able to get The Bae™his birthday present, a treat at Carnivore, which is happening around mid-July. And I prioritize that over my materialistic wants. :3 All that can wait till I get my second round of pay. Unless I'm shameless enough to ask my relatives to buy that for me as a birthday present. This is gonna sound evil but I feel like since this is my 21st birthday, I might hold some kinda special authority over what happens. I wonder if my friends/significant other are planning anything (I really hope The Bae™remembers the hot tub idea).
I haven't been able to feel calm and relaxed at all this holiday, not with my tiring part-time job, suddenly getting the Russian summer school scholarship, and my (still gross) ex being back. I feel like I should proceed writing about this in a systematic manner.
Starting with my exhausting part-time job. It's mentally understimulating, like reallyyy mentally-understimulating. After working a menial cashiering job, it really clues you in on why Squidward is the way he is. I've been surprisingly more social this time round, probably thanks to Fairy, who was working with me. I made friends with several people, and I'm fairly proud of myself for that. I got asked a bunch of weird questions by one of my male coworkers (like if The Bae™ treated me right...at first I thought he thought I was being abused), who's alright but not exactly the brightest bulb in the box (or, as The K would say, is "two hotdogs short of a whole picnic"), and everyone around me is convinced that he's into me. Meh. I had some agreement to go Kinokuniya with him and he's been pestering me about it daily. Kinda annoying me tbh. The Bae™'s kinda insistent that I flake out, but I feel really guilty and am considering bringing Fairy along to cockblock, because COME ON, that'll be hilarious HAHAHA. Like she'll be SO OBVIOUS ABOUT IT it'll be funny. And every time he says something dumb (like how he thought Abraham Lincoln the Vampire Slayer was historically accurate and that vampires actually terrorized the US), I can hide it and keep my facial expression neutral, but AHAHAHA SHE WON'T BE ABLE TO. THE LOOK ON HER FACE. AHAHAHAHA. But yeah, I've had a slightly crappier experience working this time round, because of the sudden influx of shitty customers. It's disgusting. And I hate how the nature of the retail industry does nothing but perpetuate, and ultimately pander to the entitlement and stupidity of humanity's worst. It has also done nothing in lessening my hatred and disgust of children.
Also during the Nippon Fair I got a lot of sea urchin and crab sashimi because my japanese boss liked me :>
Anyhoo, shitty customers, more social and a lot of bread. That's a rough summary of my working experience.
On to the (main) source of my anxiety and stress: MY RUSSIAN SCHOLARSHIP
...me having to pay for the airfare really made it feel like less of a scholarship but anyway. I'm just so terrified, like I can't calm down at all. I am so obviously inferior it hurts. Literally everybody there's either working as Russian language teachers or translators, OR majoring in the Russian language itself in their university, OR has spoken Russian for several years. Several of them have already been to Russia several times. It doesn't help that we had to introduce ourselves in the Facebook group they made and EVERYONE just spammed literal walls of complicated Russian text that I read halfway, gave up on comprehending and google translated the damn thing. I don't feel like I belong here at all, with all these people who already have a very strong grasp of the language. And I don't feel like I can make any friends because they're all gonna look down on me for being not only younger than most of them, but also a beginner at the language. And that makes me so angry, because I KNOW that I COULD have just as strong a grasp (I have faith in my abilities), if I had the same opportunities as they did. BUT I NEVER DID. And it's STUPID that they're awarding this scholarship to all these people who can already speak and write Russian very fluently, and have had all this exposure, when the whole point of the scholarship is to introduce you to the Russian language and culture. THINKING ABOUT THAT JUST PISSES ME OFF.
And my parents are being so overprotective and stupid it hurts. Like my mom wanted to follow me to Russia. Why the literal fuck. I'm a grown-ass woman.
Know what would be the most hilarious dick move ever? If I picked up more Russian from all their long pretentious posts in Russian. LEL. Paired with my Russian textbook, the grammar book I just bought, and helpful texts from my Russian language teacher, I am confident I can accelerate my learning a little.
Also I'll be in Russia for 3 weeks, that cuts into my university semester and I'll be missing 1-2 weeks of school and that really worries me a lot. I WILL BE SO BEHIND. THERE'LL BE SO MUCH TO CATCH UP ON. ; - ; And I won't see The Bae™for 3 weeks. ; - ; They still haven't emailed me the official invitation letter, and I really need it so that I can tell my school I'll be out for a while.
Or maybe they'll never send me the fucking letter and I'll just go to school and not to Russia. :')
And on to still-gross ex. He's back in Singapore for the holidays - something that really does nothing to improve my mood - and he's been pestering me to meet up with him, sending me looong rambly emails that are really cringe-worthy, and aimed at garnering my sympathy. He probably realized long hate-filled emails don't work. Not that this does either. He also got a new number so I've been getting texts. Am making it a point to ignore him because no matter how many times I tell him to fuck off and that I don't want to see him, he's not listening. He's in his own little world, where I ignore him because I care for him and actually think I could give him a chance.
I don't know how to say this any more clearly.
I have no desire whatsoever to talk to him, let alone see him. At all. Some breakups end nicely, and both parties can be amiable to each other and be cordial friends. This isn't one of them. He is so obviously deluded, he is bitter and obsessed with the past. He cannot get over his feelings for me (this sounds so narcissistic I'm cringing at myself as I write this), and he is incoherent and irrational. He says let's be friends, but then makes vows about how he wants to get back together, how he still loves me, and takes me out on dates. I've done a lot of reflecting on the past three years of my life - and I really mean a LOT of reflecting. And I know enough to say what we had was actually really toxic. I sacrificed my relationship with my father. Something I never should have done, when his concerns were valid. And now I have been trying to repair that. I bickered with my best friend, and other friends who had concerns about who I was dating. We fought all the time. I was angry and crying a lot. Everything became even worse when...physical acts were involved. So much secrecy and deception and selfishness. HOW I HATED IT. I often felt undesired, used and ugly. Things that never should have happened, but did because I was dumb and hormonal. At that point in time I kinda just gave up on myself because of all the emotional stress I had, I felt so discouraged in my intellectual pursuits because I was dating a genius that was not only arrogant, but would also argue with me in a rude manner and shut me down. I was convinced I was stupid, or something. I never told this to anybody but I honestly felt like I might've been depressed at that point in my life. Mermaid Daughter and Tall Lolita helped, and made my days in my junior college so much better. And I am so thankful for that. Of course we had our nice moments. I wouldn't have stayed in a relationship with someone for 3 years if there were none. But honestly, the bad outweighed the good. And I am cool with that. I don't regret everything because although it was painful, there was so much I learned. I just want to move on with my life, because I'm very happy right now. And he should too.
And if he turns up at my house or my grandma's. Restraining order.
Right now I'm in a relationship where I'm happy, secure (more or less...y'all know how much I doubt myself) and content. And I feel loved not just by The Bae™(insert heart emojis) but by my friends, and (to a certain extent) my family. I can say this with utmost confidence as I am sipping the ginger tea that Fairy gave me, and eating a chocolate-filled cookie from La Cure Gourmand, and thinking of the adorable note The Bae™ wrote me. I can say that because I'm looking forward to spending time with MD and TL tomorrow, we'll craft and chat and maybe bike if there're no thunderstorms (though I do love thunderstorms they're so majestic). I can say this because there's a chronologically-arranged anthology of H. P. Lovecraft's works sitting on my bedside table, lent to me by Fyodr. For once in my life I feel like I have grown as a person, I feel more confident, and I feel satisfied, validated and content - things I almost never feel. I am so loved, and I am so thankful. And thinking about all of this now is just making me cry because. I am just. So grateful.
P.S. Fairy is texting me rn and telling me I look cute when I cry. I wish. Why's she being so nice. Some people pretty-cry and it's just reddened cheeks and sparkly tears. I ugly-cry. My eyes get all red and snot comes out of my nose and my chest hurts.
Sorry it's been a while since I've updated, I don't feel like I've had much of an excuse, given that it was the holidays, but I have been working part-time and have been physically exhausted, and, as usual, lots of things have been going on in my life.
Writing on my blog feels awkward now, I don't know if I'm all that comfortable with sharing very personal things out in the open. Maybe I'm just moving past my rebellious, teen-angst phase where I needed to express myself all the time. Maybe I'm just feeling less frustrated and repressed. Or maybe I'm just not very used to writing in a personal manner now. I really hope me taking creative writing will remedy that.
Anyway, I've really been going ham with my money ever since payday, I bought myself a Russian grammar book (it's tricky, but there are exercises and there's an answer key), a whole buncha cheap Taobao clothes (quantity>quality), a new petticoat, and the first payment for the pre-order of this BEAUTIFUL Taobao Lolita dress with a strawberry cake print:
I haven't been able to feel calm and relaxed at all this holiday, not with my tiring part-time job, suddenly getting the Russian summer school scholarship, and my (still gross) ex being back. I feel like I should proceed writing about this in a systematic manner.
Starting with my exhausting part-time job. It's mentally understimulating, like reallyyy mentally-understimulating. After working a menial cashiering job, it really clues you in on why Squidward is the way he is. I've been surprisingly more social this time round, probably thanks to Fairy, who was working with me. I made friends with several people, and I'm fairly proud of myself for that. I got asked a bunch of weird questions by one of my male coworkers (like if The Bae™ treated me right...at first I thought he thought I was being abused), who's alright but not exactly the brightest bulb in the box (or, as The K would say, is "two hotdogs short of a whole picnic"), and everyone around me is convinced that he's into me. Meh. I had some agreement to go Kinokuniya with him and he's been pestering me about it daily. Kinda annoying me tbh. The Bae™'s kinda insistent that I flake out, but I feel really guilty and am considering bringing Fairy along to cockblock, because COME ON, that'll be hilarious HAHAHA. Like she'll be SO OBVIOUS ABOUT IT it'll be funny. And every time he says something dumb (like how he thought Abraham Lincoln the Vampire Slayer was historically accurate and that vampires actually terrorized the US), I can hide it and keep my facial expression neutral, but AHAHAHA SHE WON'T BE ABLE TO. THE LOOK ON HER FACE. AHAHAHAHA. But yeah, I've had a slightly crappier experience working this time round, because of the sudden influx of shitty customers. It's disgusting. And I hate how the nature of the retail industry does nothing but perpetuate, and ultimately pander to the entitlement and stupidity of humanity's worst. It has also done nothing in lessening my hatred and disgust of children.
Also during the Nippon Fair I got a lot of sea urchin and crab sashimi because my japanese boss liked me :>
Anyhoo, shitty customers, more social and a lot of bread. That's a rough summary of my working experience.
On to the (main) source of my anxiety and stress: MY RUSSIAN SCHOLARSHIP
...me having to pay for the airfare really made it feel like less of a scholarship but anyway. I'm just so terrified, like I can't calm down at all. I am so obviously inferior it hurts. Literally everybody there's either working as Russian language teachers or translators, OR majoring in the Russian language itself in their university, OR has spoken Russian for several years. Several of them have already been to Russia several times. It doesn't help that we had to introduce ourselves in the Facebook group they made and EVERYONE just spammed literal walls of complicated Russian text that I read halfway, gave up on comprehending and google translated the damn thing. I don't feel like I belong here at all, with all these people who already have a very strong grasp of the language. And I don't feel like I can make any friends because they're all gonna look down on me for being not only younger than most of them, but also a beginner at the language. And that makes me so angry, because I KNOW that I COULD have just as strong a grasp (I have faith in my abilities), if I had the same opportunities as they did. BUT I NEVER DID. And it's STUPID that they're awarding this scholarship to all these people who can already speak and write Russian very fluently, and have had all this exposure, when the whole point of the scholarship is to introduce you to the Russian language and culture. THINKING ABOUT THAT JUST PISSES ME OFF.
And my parents are being so overprotective and stupid it hurts. Like my mom wanted to follow me to Russia. Why the literal fuck. I'm a grown-ass woman.
Know what would be the most hilarious dick move ever? If I picked up more Russian from all their long pretentious posts in Russian. LEL. Paired with my Russian textbook, the grammar book I just bought, and helpful texts from my Russian language teacher, I am confident I can accelerate my learning a little.
Also I'll be in Russia for 3 weeks, that cuts into my university semester and I'll be missing 1-2 weeks of school and that really worries me a lot. I WILL BE SO BEHIND. THERE'LL BE SO MUCH TO CATCH UP ON. ; - ; And I won't see The Bae™for 3 weeks. ; - ; They still haven't emailed me the official invitation letter, and I really need it so that I can tell my school I'll be out for a while.
Or maybe they'll never send me the fucking letter and I'll just go to school and not to Russia. :')
And on to still-gross ex. He's back in Singapore for the holidays - something that really does nothing to improve my mood - and he's been pestering me to meet up with him, sending me looong rambly emails that are really cringe-worthy, and aimed at garnering my sympathy. He probably realized long hate-filled emails don't work. Not that this does either. He also got a new number so I've been getting texts. Am making it a point to ignore him because no matter how many times I tell him to fuck off and that I don't want to see him, he's not listening. He's in his own little world, where I ignore him because I care for him and actually think I could give him a chance.
I don't know how to say this any more clearly.
I have no desire whatsoever to talk to him, let alone see him. At all. Some breakups end nicely, and both parties can be amiable to each other and be cordial friends. This isn't one of them. He is so obviously deluded, he is bitter and obsessed with the past. He cannot get over his feelings for me (this sounds so narcissistic I'm cringing at myself as I write this), and he is incoherent and irrational. He says let's be friends, but then makes vows about how he wants to get back together, how he still loves me, and takes me out on dates. I've done a lot of reflecting on the past three years of my life - and I really mean a LOT of reflecting. And I know enough to say what we had was actually really toxic. I sacrificed my relationship with my father. Something I never should have done, when his concerns were valid. And now I have been trying to repair that. I bickered with my best friend, and other friends who had concerns about who I was dating. We fought all the time. I was angry and crying a lot. Everything became even worse when...physical acts were involved. So much secrecy and deception and selfishness. HOW I HATED IT. I often felt undesired, used and ugly. Things that never should have happened, but did because I was dumb and hormonal. At that point in time I kinda just gave up on myself because of all the emotional stress I had, I felt so discouraged in my intellectual pursuits because I was dating a genius that was not only arrogant, but would also argue with me in a rude manner and shut me down. I was convinced I was stupid, or something. I never told this to anybody but I honestly felt like I might've been depressed at that point in my life. Mermaid Daughter and Tall Lolita helped, and made my days in my junior college so much better. And I am so thankful for that. Of course we had our nice moments. I wouldn't have stayed in a relationship with someone for 3 years if there were none. But honestly, the bad outweighed the good. And I am cool with that. I don't regret everything because although it was painful, there was so much I learned. I just want to move on with my life, because I'm very happy right now. And he should too.
And if he turns up at my house or my grandma's. Restraining order.
Right now I'm in a relationship where I'm happy, secure (more or less...y'all know how much I doubt myself) and content. And I feel loved not just by The Bae™(insert heart emojis) but by my friends, and (to a certain extent) my family. I can say this with utmost confidence as I am sipping the ginger tea that Fairy gave me, and eating a chocolate-filled cookie from La Cure Gourmand, and thinking of the adorable note The Bae™ wrote me. I can say that because I'm looking forward to spending time with MD and TL tomorrow, we'll craft and chat and maybe bike if there're no thunderstorms (though I do love thunderstorms they're so majestic). I can say this because there's a chronologically-arranged anthology of H. P. Lovecraft's works sitting on my bedside table, lent to me by Fyodr. For once in my life I feel like I have grown as a person, I feel more confident, and I feel satisfied, validated and content - things I almost never feel. I am so loved, and I am so thankful. And thinking about all of this now is just making me cry because. I am just. So grateful.
P.S. Fairy is texting me rn and telling me I look cute when I cry. I wish. Why's she being so nice. Some people pretty-cry and it's just reddened cheeks and sparkly tears. I ugly-cry. My eyes get all red and snot comes out of my nose and my chest hurts.
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