I am almost at the end of my second semester in university, and I thought I should write about everything I'm feeling, and maybe vent a little. I really do miss blogging. I don't recall ever being this reluctant opening up emotionally online, I used to blog really regularly and bitch about anything and everything. Perhaps I've just gotten old and weary, and a little too jaded from constant frustration and disappointments. I wish I had more positive, feel-good posts in this blog, but whenever I'm in a good mood I'm never really in the mood for personal writing, I'm usually just happily lip-syncing random songs or watching funny videos on Youtube, or crafting - basically doing all the things I like. I should get to writing more happy posts though, I think that'd help me appreciate all the good things that I have a little more.
Honestly, this semester has been so much better than the previous one. Now that I've adjusted to my environment, learned to better manage my time and organize myself a little better, and mine and Z's gross and toxic ex is more or less out of the picture. I think that last one was what made me, TRULY, a lot more emotionally stable and less upset all the time. Every now and again my hackles rise whenever I get yet another email and/or parcel from my gross ex, and when I lurk on Z's ex's facebook and she's throwing shade at Z, or whining about missing Z. I just get very, very paranoid that she's gonna attempt harrassing Z again (and that nightmare of last semester's gonna be repeated), or do more shit that's gonna affect him and his friends and Z doesn't really do a good job of assuring me. At this point I can't be fucked I just want her to get over it and find someone else to parasitically cling to so that I can be at rest. Seriously. On the up side, I'm not too worried about having to confront my gross ex at some point, if it ever comes to that, I know I'm unshakable the minute I decide that I'm fucking done with a person. I've decided to stop giving a fuck about that. Also Gmail FINALLY, FINALLY allows you to block people so I've done that (a huge thank you to Warhole, a fabulous friend of mine who informed me of that).
Z and I have gotten a lot closer, and we are a lot happier. I mean, I won't say that it's perfectly smooth-sailing, we do have some problems, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to feel a 100% secure and trust him completely, because of how reserved he is and how he tends to hide from or avoid certain things. I can't help but feel that at the same time it's also partly because of my character, I NEED everything to be very straightforward and honest, and very openly discussed whenever shit happens, or whenever one of us (be it romantic partner or friend) is mad or upset at the other. I NEED confrontations and I need answers and reassurance, and I NEED resolution. I mean, it's part of the reason why Fairy is my best friend, she's really blunt about what she thinks and I really appreciate that. I don't do very well with half-baked, non-commital answers - "maybe", "perhaps", "I'll see", "well probably", "most likely"/"most likely not". To me, it's either yes or no. Do you want to or do you not want to. Are you going to do X, or are you not going to do X. If you don't want Y to happen, are you going to do everything in your power to prevent Y from happening or not. I don't like awkward and abrupt switching of topics when I'm having an important conversation with people, I don't like casual dismissals when I express my emotions about things. I guess it's things like this that make me a really abrasive person. For the majority of people, some veil of ambiguity and sense of restraint is necessary, and people hide behind it, even for close relationships. To quote from Norman Holland, "The exigencies of social intercourse oblige men and women to dress up their real thoughts and feelings in polite trifling and elegant gesture, to hide the true expression on their faces behind a delicately wrought fan". And as much as it infuriates me, I've long been made aware of it and have grown both wary and weary.
In any case, this is the happiest I've been in a romantic relationship for a long time and I am thankful for that. I'd now like to move on to talk about another thing that has been helping me cope with whatever feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, frustration, hurt and etc that I have been experiencing:
Cheers to their Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent, and for inspiring me to not give a fuck about what others think, to be strong and to care more about applying myself and growing a pair, rather than quietly take shit and secretly feel sad, or whine about it to people. Why SHOULD I care about how much others value me? Or what the people in my cohort think of me? Fuck it I'm gonna turn up dressed looking like Sarah Anderson's main character in her comics to lecture one day and no one shall fucking stop me. And if I walk into lecture in a black corset and above-knee stockings and boots, with a heart drawn below my eye I'll fucking do it, and if I have to sit alone for that then I fucking shall. So what if people judge me for wearing purple lipstick? And so what if Z fails to reassure me about his dumb and toxic ex who's never gonna get over herself at the rate she's going; And seems hesitant to introduce me to his family and friends? So what if I've lost contact with some of the people I've used to know and so what if people think I'm rude or crass? So what if my mother has never once, all semester, asked me "oh hey, how are you doing?" and has been mostly a biased, selfish and bad-tempered bitch most of my life?
Honestly, this semester has been so much better than the previous one. Now that I've adjusted to my environment, learned to better manage my time and organize myself a little better, and mine and Z's gross and toxic ex is more or less out of the picture. I think that last one was what made me, TRULY, a lot more emotionally stable and less upset all the time. Every now and again my hackles rise whenever I get yet another email and/or parcel from my gross ex, and when I lurk on Z's ex's facebook and she's throwing shade at Z, or whining about missing Z. I just get very, very paranoid that she's gonna attempt harrassing Z again (and that nightmare of last semester's gonna be repeated), or do more shit that's gonna affect him and his friends and Z doesn't really do a good job of assuring me. At this point I can't be fucked I just want her to get over it and find someone else to parasitically cling to so that I can be at rest. Seriously. On the up side, I'm not too worried about having to confront my gross ex at some point, if it ever comes to that, I know I'm unshakable the minute I decide that I'm fucking done with a person. I've decided to stop giving a fuck about that. Also Gmail FINALLY, FINALLY allows you to block people so I've done that (a huge thank you to Warhole, a fabulous friend of mine who informed me of that).
Z and I have gotten a lot closer, and we are a lot happier. I mean, I won't say that it's perfectly smooth-sailing, we do have some problems, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to feel a 100% secure and trust him completely, because of how reserved he is and how he tends to hide from or avoid certain things. I can't help but feel that at the same time it's also partly because of my character, I NEED everything to be very straightforward and honest, and very openly discussed whenever shit happens, or whenever one of us (be it romantic partner or friend) is mad or upset at the other. I NEED confrontations and I need answers and reassurance, and I NEED resolution. I mean, it's part of the reason why Fairy is my best friend, she's really blunt about what she thinks and I really appreciate that. I don't do very well with half-baked, non-commital answers - "maybe", "perhaps", "I'll see", "well probably", "most likely"/"most likely not". To me, it's either yes or no. Do you want to or do you not want to. Are you going to do X, or are you not going to do X. If you don't want Y to happen, are you going to do everything in your power to prevent Y from happening or not. I don't like awkward and abrupt switching of topics when I'm having an important conversation with people, I don't like casual dismissals when I express my emotions about things. I guess it's things like this that make me a really abrasive person. For the majority of people, some veil of ambiguity and sense of restraint is necessary, and people hide behind it, even for close relationships. To quote from Norman Holland, "The exigencies of social intercourse oblige men and women to dress up their real thoughts and feelings in polite trifling and elegant gesture, to hide the true expression on their faces behind a delicately wrought fan". And as much as it infuriates me, I've long been made aware of it and have grown both wary and weary.
In any case, this is the happiest I've been in a romantic relationship for a long time and I am thankful for that. I'd now like to move on to talk about another thing that has been helping me cope with whatever feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, frustration, hurt and etc that I have been experiencing:
DRAG QUEENS.
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| Sass Queen Bianca Del Rio |
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| Katya Zamolodchikova |
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| Adore Delano |
WHY SHOULD ANYBODY'S VALIDATION MATTER TO ME?
I'm so tired of feeling hurt and sad and worried. I'm so tired of feeling inadequate and feeling insignificant to people that I care about. I'm just going to quit giving a fuck and be myself, and do whatever it is I want and the need to do. And I'm going to stop giving a fuck about people who clearly don't give two fucks about me, and I'll deal with negative experiences the same way these inspirational people have done it, be it with barb, cussing but getting it done anyway, or humour. And, naturally, bomb af makeup. And I'm going to start loving myself more. A whole lot more.
I should print this out somewhere and frame it. My TRUE road to independence (but NOT hermit-ness because I can't get any more antisocial and jaded, at the rate I'm going) begins now.
Gross ex huh. I guess that does fit me.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for all the gross things I said and I did. I'm sorry I called you a bitch, and I'm sorry I hurt you so badly. I wanted to give you everything I had, and when I couldn't do that, when I thought about the fact that I wasn't going to be able to make you happy anymore, I broke down. I lost myself when I lost you. But I've picked myself up now. And I want to make amends. I want to apologise.
And I'm sorry that my parcels make you angry. They were never intended to raise your ire. All I wanted to do was to care for you in the only way I knew how to. All I wanted to do was to uphold my promise of trying my best no matter what. I was worried for your exams and so I sent paddington bears and stuff because I thought you wanted paddington bears. I asked you before you blocked me and you said you'd want one. I'm so sorry I made you angry.
I thought you'd just take the gifts. I didn't care if you use them without thanking me, or if you give them to others. I just wanted to try my hardest to make you smile. I thought you liked lush soaps and teddy bears. I didn't think you'd get angry because the parcels were from me. But now I know. I'll stop sending the parcels. Just don't get mad anymore. I'll stop. I'm so sorry.
All I wanted to do was to make my one treasured friend happy. I wanted to thank you for promising to be my friend. Because it gave me such hope for the future. I wanted to show you that I could keep to my promises. But I know now. We're not friends anymore. I know now. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me for being wilful.
I'm glad you're getting along well with your new boyfriend. I feel relieved that you have someone who can care for you in university. I also feel saddened. But if you're happy, that's a good thing.
I'll stop it with the emails too. I'll stop trying to contact you. I'll leave forever.
Before I do so, can we have one last chat? Just so I can clear my reputation as a "gross ex". I've found something I want to do now, I've found new joy in life. And I want to talk to you about it. I want to apologise too. In person, for all the things I've said and done. I'm not strong like you. I'm annoyed that the one person I care about thinks I'm gross. And I want to change that. So please let me do so. Please go along with my last bit of selfishness.
There is nothing to confront. The gross ex you wanted to confront is a thing of the past. I want to show you that.
Sincerely,
Om
It's not about validation. Your mom feels estranged. Your old friends feel estranged. I know I'm not in any position to say this. But have faith that your parents and friends care for you. I can't speak for your dad, but have faith especially that your mom cares. Because I know she does. We've talked about this after all, me and her. I know its painful to have faith in others. I know this very well. But keep the hope up!
DeleteIf you wanna be like that Sweet Transvestite, you gotta be assertive, expressive. No one's gonna get strung out by the way you look. They can't judge you by your cover. You're you. Unique and wonderful. Perhaps not perfect, but that doesn't matter. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder after all.
Show the world who you are. Show your parents who you are. Tell them about your endeavours, about your hard work. Sometimes you need to open up to people, to get them to open up to you haha. With how hard you're working, I'm sure you'll gain the admiration of the people you care for without even trying to do so.
Stay strong. And I'm not a creep.