Am currently playing the Grease soundtrack because that seldom fails to liven me up. You'd think that I'd be a lot more excited about entering university, campus life and etc but honestly all I feel is kinda tired and irritable.
(Summer Nights is playing right now. Aaaaaah it's so cute I love the song)
Probably because I'm so unprepared and at this point I have 0 expectations after my experience in junior college. I guess it's all because there're other things that have me upset and worried. Like OM leaving. My broke-ness that's gonna make it very difficult to buy presents for upcoming birthdays. And how I actually WANT to do well in uni but I have no confidence in scoring well for such a difficult course, and the fact that my coursemates are going to be very intelligent, probably.
Aaaand of course. My dad's now convinced that I've been sneaking my boyfriend into my house to do the do. EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T. Thanks to some offhand comment that my neighbour made to my mom, who HAD to blab about it in the car. She basically asked my mom if I had a boyfriend and that just sparked paranoid thoughts like "BUT WHY WOULD SHE ASK THAT?" and etc. (if you think I have 0 chill wait till you meet my dad his chill is -10000) And even though there's a long list of reasons for WHY she had asked that question:
(Right now they're very timely playing "There Are Worse Things I Could Do". Anyone who understands the context of the song when it was sang in the movie will understand. My dad's in the room as I'm writing this post lmao) And by that I mean, I ended up getting a yeast infection because the medicine screwed with the pH levels in my body. They took me to the gynaecologist who verified and confirmed everything. It was even printed on the results. It was the meds. I'm also pretty sure my reaction to the pap smear would've erased any doubt that I was a virgin but nevermind that. In any case, they were still convinced that I got a yeast infection because I had sex, even though there was literally a certified sheet of paper that stated I did not. They even brought up stupid points like how "I had pimples near my mouth area at that time" (like any other teenage girl who occasionally gets pimples in their mouth and chin area when that time of the month draws near). Motherfucking hell. HOW DOES ONE CONVINCE SUCH PEOPLE.
So yeah. Taking into account all that, I have reason to be worried.
Honestly a big part of me is just feeling really....apathetic about this. I am turning twenty this year and I don't feel like something this stupid is worth being concerned about. I have already lived a significant portion of my life under their perception that I am some trashy, no-good, bimbo tramp so if they keep thinking that, I'm really not gonna give a fuck. I feel like there's a huge disparity between the expectations of my family and friends. On one end of the spectrum there's my parents, sister and most of the paternal side of my family thinking I'm this lazy, ignorant and intellectually-stunted ditz and on the other end there are people like Turban who see me in this extremely idealized light, like I'm some flawless human being.
I'm.
Just.
Nothing.
Can I just be left alone. And can I be seen as a normal human being. I don't think I belong in any of these extremes, I think I'm a very normal person. I have not done anything that warrants such perceptions of me. I talk a lot about how I like alcohol but I've never gotten drunk. Despite my ribaldry (and clothing choices) I have not actually had sex. I think drugs (for non-medical uses) are stupid. I don't even club or stay out late. I may think religion can be stupid sometimes but I have my own moral code and values that I've never compromised. I'm also not exceptionally flirtatious, charming, good-looking or social, nor am I a genius at anything. I have average grades and intelligence and below-average ambition. I don't find myself particularly talented at anything so yeah I think I'm a pretty boring person.
My -very brief and slightly depressing- Yarnspinner Digression ends here, where was I? Ah yes. I do genuinely hope that my parents have stopped being the typical old generation Singaporean parents who have the mindset of the christians in the medieval ages.
Cross my fingers. Things will change.
Also Fairy's birthday is tomorrow. Oh fuck.
(Summer Nights is playing right now. Aaaaaah it's so cute I love the song)
Probably because I'm so unprepared and at this point I have 0 expectations after my experience in junior college. I guess it's all because there're other things that have me upset and worried. Like OM leaving. My broke-ness that's gonna make it very difficult to buy presents for upcoming birthdays. And how I actually WANT to do well in uni but I have no confidence in scoring well for such a difficult course, and the fact that my coursemates are going to be very intelligent, probably.
Aaaand of course. My dad's now convinced that I've been sneaking my boyfriend into my house to do the do. EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T. Thanks to some offhand comment that my neighbour made to my mom, who HAD to blab about it in the car. She basically asked my mom if I had a boyfriend and that just sparked paranoid thoughts like "BUT WHY WOULD SHE ASK THAT?" and etc. (if you think I have 0 chill wait till you meet my dad his chill is -10000) And even though there's a long list of reasons for WHY she had asked that question:
- Hung out with Ruban a lot and he's sent me home a couple of times and even stayed over once, to the horror of my mom
- Wearing lolita more frequently in the past week or so and she's assuming that I'm "dressing up" to meet someone for a date
- Nowadays I dress and make myself look more girly, unlike in the past when I gave no fucks and wore sloppy/baggy clothes and bitchy makeup 24/7
- She somehow remembered OM from when he came over on New Year's(?)
- LONG, LONG time ago I hung out with this Canadian friend of mine and he sent me home but we ended up sitting on the floor of my block talking (no I didn't let him in my house), drinking apple cider and we weren't being noisy but I guess we were probably being kinda a nuisance and she's somehow still remembers that and resents me for it.
Well...you know my dad. I don't have anything to hide, because I REALLY haven't brought him over. Have I been tempted to? Well duh. Whether we want to admit it or not, everyone's been a hormone-addled teenager at some point in their lives. And think of how much I'm gonna save on transport money. I don't even have to step out of my house. BUT I DID NOT DO IT. GEEZ. Then, you might ask, WHY AM I WORRIED? When it comes to my parents, I've come to realize this-
It doesn't matter if I did it or not, if they think I did it, I might as well have.It's like how in the past I fell really, really sick and had to take a really strong antibiotics (I've never taken antibiotics before) and I had a really bad reaction to it.
(Right now they're very timely playing "There Are Worse Things I Could Do". Anyone who understands the context of the song when it was sang in the movie will understand. My dad's in the room as I'm writing this post lmao) And by that I mean, I ended up getting a yeast infection because the medicine screwed with the pH levels in my body. They took me to the gynaecologist who verified and confirmed everything. It was even printed on the results. It was the meds. I'm also pretty sure my reaction to the pap smear would've erased any doubt that I was a virgin but nevermind that. In any case, they were still convinced that I got a yeast infection because I had sex, even though there was literally a certified sheet of paper that stated I did not. They even brought up stupid points like how "I had pimples near my mouth area at that time" (like any other teenage girl who occasionally gets pimples in their mouth and chin area when that time of the month draws near). Motherfucking hell. HOW DOES ONE CONVINCE SUCH PEOPLE.
So yeah. Taking into account all that, I have reason to be worried.
Honestly a big part of me is just feeling really....apathetic about this. I am turning twenty this year and I don't feel like something this stupid is worth being concerned about. I have already lived a significant portion of my life under their perception that I am some trashy, no-good, bimbo tramp so if they keep thinking that, I'm really not gonna give a fuck. I feel like there's a huge disparity between the expectations of my family and friends. On one end of the spectrum there's my parents, sister and most of the paternal side of my family thinking I'm this lazy, ignorant and intellectually-stunted ditz and on the other end there are people like Turban who see me in this extremely idealized light, like I'm some flawless human being.
I'm.
Just.
Nothing.
Can I just be left alone. And can I be seen as a normal human being. I don't think I belong in any of these extremes, I think I'm a very normal person. I have not done anything that warrants such perceptions of me. I talk a lot about how I like alcohol but I've never gotten drunk. Despite my ribaldry (and clothing choices) I have not actually had sex. I think drugs (for non-medical uses) are stupid. I don't even club or stay out late. I may think religion can be stupid sometimes but I have my own moral code and values that I've never compromised. I'm also not exceptionally flirtatious, charming, good-looking or social, nor am I a genius at anything. I have average grades and intelligence and below-average ambition. I don't find myself particularly talented at anything so yeah I think I'm a pretty boring person.
My -very brief and slightly depressing- Yarnspinner Digression ends here, where was I? Ah yes. I do genuinely hope that my parents have stopped being the typical old generation Singaporean parents who have the mindset of the christians in the medieval ages.
Cross my fingers. Things will change.
Also Fairy's birthday is tomorrow. Oh fuck.
No comments:
Post a Comment