I decided to ban myself from doing fun stuff like making jewelry UNTIL I finish writing what I have to write. It's kinda really frustrating me at the moment BUT THIS IS HOW I FORCE MYSELF TO GET TO WORK. I have gotten over my brief spell of depression. Somewhat. I decided that as long as there's still an ounce of hope I shouldn't let anything get me down, especially since I've got people around me who love and support me. Whom I'm extremely thankful for.
And that I should be happy that toxic people with toxic opinions, who blame whatever mood I've been in for the past few months on MY BOYFRIEND, RATHER THAN MY ANXIETY ABOUT MY FUTURE, are gone from my life. And yes, I'm referring to an ex-friend of mine. I wonder if she reads this blog. Well if she does, that's great. She can finally understand EVERYTHING. Anyway I should begin from the beginning. I am just gonna show this post to anyone who asks about my drama with her so that I save the tedious effort of explaining things.
No, this isn't a cyber attack. There is nothing spiteful about what I'm writing (for some reason she seems to assume everything I'm writing involving her is about something spiteful or malicious. Oh pleaaaase. I'm not that immature. Unlike some people lmao), I'm just gonna be narrating the sequence of events and my point-of-view. Also because I feel that FINALLY writing -and rationalizing- all this is a good, clean way to end everything once and for all, to myself and to everyone who asks.
Ok. First of all, what's wrong with asking WHY she decided to unblock me? Then what's with this thing about my boyfriend??? This is when I start to get REALLY mad. There she goes again. ONCE AGAIN, I have absolutely NO IDEA what she's talking about, and before I can ask she fucking blocks me. She and OM don't even talk so...??? Plus, OM is SUPER tolerant of her. He doesn't like her but he shut up about it since she was my best friend. In comparison she's kinda the shittier one since she seems to openly be a bitch to him whenever she's in a nasty mood.
Anyway I decided to actually try to resolve this mess because if this was all because of some huge misunderstanding, it could totally be cleared up. Like, we didn't have to be friends but we could clear up any ill feelings that currently existed. I have no idea if she blocked me on Skype, since I pretty much never used Skype. Not since Nate anyway. So I Skyped her and hoped for the best.
When I reread this I guess it was more condescending than I intended (because I was still kinda mad), but overall it wasn't a nasty message. I just wanted her to talk to me so that we could resolve this. I was paranoid that she blocked me on Skype, so I emailed her the same message just in case, since gmail doesn't allow you to block people (never thought I'd be thankful for this).
And then I get THIS...bitchy (seriously that's the only word for it) response:
First of all, let me point out all the ironies in this message:
a) she isn't being a "bigger person" by responding in this manner. At all.
b) she's the one trying to have the last word
c) she literally applied for the same course as me, NTU english, so she has equal prospects of becoming an english teacher.(In fact, higher, since she actually made it in)
d) I don't actually ever bother correcting her language (or anyone else's for that matter, unless they ask me to) since I realized it'd hurt other people's feelings and that'd just make me a condescending asshole. Although it's amusing that she feels the need to highlight her linguistic insecurities to me, even in a scathing message (also, it's mice, not mouses. LOL)
Excuse me, ideas and opinions are crushed by people around me??? Where does that even come from I'm the most opinionated person I know (2nd only to her). Just ask OM. Or Turban, Or like, The Clique. Who unfortunately get the short end of the stick by having to deal with that aspect of my personality. (I'm not sure about Mermaid Daughter and Tall Lolita I feel like we're all kinda opinionated but around each other we're more or less chill)
I guess she doesn't really know that since I usually don't make it a point to express it to her. BUT WHY WOULD I? I totally disagree with her nihilistic and self-destructive way of thinking but HOW CAN I TELL HER THAT? She's so sensitive about everything (like seriously. She freaking exploded at something I retweeted, Scroll up) and in the instances that I DO express it to her we just go on this really really (I'm talking several hours) long illogical misshapen circle because she keeps nonsensically leaping everywhere. Like we could be talking about the beaches in Zimbabwe and she'd jump and talk about the butterflies in Switzerland. To a point where I get SO FED UP. Because she just doesn't seem to get it. And she's so adversarial about it. I just want a nice calm discussion where we exchange our ideas and express our opinions not some aggressive and tedious debate. That makes no sense whatsoever, I might add.
Anyway I guess she calmed down (ever so slightly) at some point and unblocked me on Whatsapp to explain things. She hasn't blocked me after sending it to me, miraculously enough, Though the fact that she didn't reply to any of the messages I sent means that she's ignoring me. Which makes the whole thing about not blocking me....moot. Her message is kinda long and tedious and to make it easier for anyone reading to understand my response, I'm just gonna insert my comments in between in a different colour. I copied and pasted the message here because I decided not to crash my phone with all the screen caps.
I really don't know what your deal is. You already said you won't bother chasing me then what's the point of sending that message? Why did you see a need to even say anything?
Because, OBVIOUSLY, I'm trying to be a grownass adult and resolve this mess, rather than run, hide and block it out like what you're doing.
Hey, you made it clear that you could less already so i really don't know why you want to get the last word. Does it make you feel better about yourself? To finally seem like a winner or some semblance of it by writing what you wrote?
Why do you keep going on and on about stuff like being a "bigger person" and "having the last word"? Is that all that you think about? Can't you see that I'm TRYING to get us to talk so that we can resolve this? What's this about winning or losing, is this all about pride??? Are YOU seriously trying to feel better by beating me down because I lack confidence in myself?
Look. You know that i'm reactive as a person and that does not excuse me from my actions.(yes. It does not. At all.) However, you, a self-proclaimed self-aware individual (when did I ever proclaim this???), is pretty oblivious when you're being lied to. I honestly thought you were smarter than this. Your boyfriend made YOU sound like you WANTED to talk to me. He told me that you were appreciative and touched that i even cared about you, and that you wanted me to unblock you so that you could thank me.
??? BUT I SAID I WAS HAPPY THAT YOU CARED IN MY SKYPE/EMAIL. I LITERALLY SAID THAT. DIDN'T YOU READ MY SKYPE/EMAIL??? I literally told you "LET'S TALK"
Shame on me for believing his words. Shame on me for giving you the benefit of a doubt. But, at least I know that I won't have to live happily ever after with a liar, with someone who will deceive and omit details, just to befit him.
Bruh the only person deceived is yourself. By yourself. Also you blocked me before I could say anything else on Twitter so.
What does OM even gain from this??
(once again it's about winning and losing. Pride and shame. I'm seeing a pattern.)
And honestly, based on your message. You never view our friendship as a friendship after the 1st time or maybe some time after the 1st time i pulled such a stunt.
Actually I have always valued our friendship. Which is why I stuck to you even though you cut me off like. Twice. Dude. But anyway HOW IS ANYONE supposed to react to somebody who CONSISTENTLY TRIES TO CUT YOU OFF?! Why don't YOU think about the "stunt[s]" you pulled? Rather than shit on people for getting tired of being treated like disposables.
I'm glad you knew they were stunts btw. You used the word "stunt". You're literally admitting that YOU KNEW it was a huge risk and that it's something you shouldn't do again. But did anyway. Thrice.
Let me ask you. Did you really care about this friendship or you were happy with the attention and gifts, EllenD and I showered you with early on in our friendship?
Hmm. I did like the gifts. Who wouldn't? Though I never expected, or asked for any. It's not like you even give me stuff on a regular basis anyway? And I give you stuff too? So why is this even being brought up?
Let me also just say that, i don't get why you need to censor yourself. If i get mad, just let me get mad. I'll come around and will eventually realise where i'm wrong.
HAH. Really. Well. If you say so.
The minute you choose to censor yourself, the minute i chose to keep my mouth shut about the bad changes in you, was the day the friendship already fell apart.
Bruh I censor myself all the time, ever since I was born. Because it is NECESSARY. You can't shove yourself and your opinions in everybody's faces. Do you live in Tumblr? And I did it because I was considerate of your feelings and how I might hurt you. You're welcome.
Also what part of me changed?? I don't think I've changed. At all. And I'm kinda upset about that, actually.
If you cannot be honest with me and if you find it tiring to censor yourself. Then can you please look very closely at the kind of friends you're attracting?
What's wrong with the friends I'm attracting? I like my friends. Are you seriously throwing shade on people you don't even know??? MD and TL are great people. Smh MD literally tried to defend YOUR actions when I was telling her about our fight. Though yeah we could do with a bit more drive and discipline.
Tell me. How often do you need to be careful of what you say to them? How often do you have to tailor yourself to fit them?
Um. None of the time? With the exception of you, I've never had to tailor myself to fit anybody, actually. Omg it's been like 5 years and you honestly don't know me, or my friends, at all.
And if you think you can't be honest with me, go talk to A, B, C etc. These people have been brutually honest with me yet we still remain as friends. They've said stuff which pissed me off but, we're still friends and I make the bloody concious effort not to piss them off again. If you don't tell me, how will I know?
I'm gonna be an ass and point out you misspelled "brutally" and "conscious". Anyway.
YEAH THEY'RE YOUR FRIENDS, BUT THEY'RE NOT YOUR BEST FRIENDS. I'm supposed to be the person you can turn to without having to worry about getting a mean or rude judgments. And give you advice when I see that I have to. If I REALLY disagree, I'll definitely make that clear. In short, I AM DUTY BOUND TO NOT BE AN ASS. Though I'm not now, which is why I corrected your spelling.
Eg. The lift incident; after you told me. I kept my mouth shut. Sure i was annoyed but, since you cared about it, i cared about it.
Explanation: She was throwing shade on old people. When we were in a lift with old people. LIKE, HELLO?????????
Regarding the blocking; i've told you before the reason. We discussed it before. It's the same reason as always - i don't feel appreciated, it feels like i'm at the backseat. (ok this makes no sense whatsoever. You feel underappreciated, so you prevent people from the means of showing you any by blocking them. Ok. A+ logic) I hate that you have double standards for your boyfriend and everyone else. This is how i interpret your double standard → 'if it's everyone else, if they have flaws i don't like, i rather avoid or tell them off rather than tolerating them (if I tell them off, how am I tolerating them??? Not that I have.) BUT for my boyfriend, it's different so i have to learn how to tolerate him.'
Bruh. This is the guy that I'm possibly marrying. I HAVE to learn to tolerate his quirks.
... ...Ok I lied, I don't tolerate them at all, when I get mad or irritated at him I just blow up in his face and give it to him straight. I'm a bad girlfriend.
Actually that means that I tolerate everybody else but him. And I tolerated you to a very unfair degree. Woman, you have it the wrong way round.
This is really a huge ass joke here. You probably won't even read the entire thing. Well, you wanted me to be a confrontational person, i'm showing you i'm one although i rather not be one because this isn't something that can be resolved.
The fact that I had to chase you. Several times. To tell me all this. Shows that you're not being confrontational, at all. Nothing stays unresolved if you actually try to resolve it. But since you can't give a rat's fart to piece back the vase you broke then I guess it will not be. I'll always be willing to talk it out if you ever actually have the courage to do so. I mean I fixed the previous 2. Isn't it your turn?
At the end of the day, even if we go back to being friends or whatever that means, the cracks are already there. I don't know how willing you'll be to even want to go through this arduous task again.
Am starting to wonder if you've even read my email carefully. I didn't mention anything about going back to being friends. I just want to resolve this so that there's no ill feelings between us.
If you think for a second that I haven't been agonising over this issue. I have. If you realised how much i zoned out, it's because i am having these thoughts and i have to clam(p) them down. If you realised, i purposely withdrew from you so that your boyfriend won't kick up such a fuss anymore.
So you kicked up a gigantic fuss that trumps his?
But he doesn't kick up a fuss? He was just jealous that you get to sleep over at my place and that I don't throw shit at you when I throw a lot of shit at him? Also he's leaving for 4 years for Oxford. You and I will be in Singapore while he isn't so why is he not allowed to feel jealous?
Apart from me randomly blocking people and my sensitive nature.(bruh those are HUUGE issues) I suspect you have a lot more issues with me than you care to let on (um. Not as much as you have, hombre. I just have to deal with getting accepted into uni and combating my procrastination. In all other aspects, I think I'm peachy). So if you even want to try to resolve this, the ball is in your court since I've said my piece.
You expect me to resolve all this, ONCE AGAIN??? For the 3rd time??? WHY CAN'T YOU GET OFF YOUR PALE BONY ASS AND DO IT FOR ONCE.
Really. Stop behaving like Om. (When did I ever behave like OM???) Start realising who you are or what has changed about you. (??? What? My lack of a future? That's about it as of now tbh) Start realising that, you're not the one controlling this relationship. He is. (bruh. I reaaaallyy beg to differ. I also don't appreciate you thinking you know everything about our relationship and making judgments with the little information you have) You're basically tailoring yourself to fit them and blocking out unattractive aspects of him/rationalising those aspects are okay.
Um. Not at all actually. HE has been doing that. I haven't. He has had to change himself A LOT to fit me while I'm here sitting on the swing and humming. Does he have unattractive aspects? Yes. But do I have unattractive aspects? Hell yes. I don't see why you think I should diss him for his negative aspects when I don't diss you at all for yours.
Also, if you're gonna get mad and be all - "idk how he is like" let me just say, he didn't left a good impression on me (based on the 3 times you've briefly met him over the past 5 years? And the 0 conversations you've had with him? Also it is "leave"), you've been telling me a lot of bad things about him (Yes I tell you about our fights. But I also tell you that they're always resolved. Unlike ours lmao), and even when you do tell me nice things about him, eg. Him treating you to food you when you insist nit to the he brings up the fact that you owe him $XXX. (...and he has stood up to my overbearing dad a million times, stood up to The Teacher for me. Helped me as much as he can academically, worry about my health when I work and study; bought me a rose, baked me a chocolate lava cake, turned up in a tux for our Valentines date because he tried his hardest to be romantic because he really isn't; patiently deals with my parents when I go MIA, comforted me and made me laugh a million times whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed and stressed; is usually the rational one in fights and actually tries to resolve it while I get mad and block him. He's the me in our friendship, funnily enough. In comparison I've barely done anything and I feel horrible about that) This has reached a point where you treat each other stuff. So...is it a transactional relationship or am i wrong? (you think this relationship is based on food???? You think my 3 year, 100% serious relationship with OM is based off food??? Are you fucking kidding me?? Omg now I'm REALLY starting to wonder what goes on in your head. What is wrong with 2 people treating one another anyway? Why is that even negative?) Same goes for our 'friendship', is it transactional to you or am i wrong? (in what way was it transactional??? What are we even transacting??? Well it's not food since neither of us ever treat each other to meals. ._. Is it tatami mats, shampoos and body scrubs since you're always sleeping over at my place? In that case I don't even get anything in return I don't sleep over at your house)
You want to know the reason why. Here. Go. Read. It.
(Lol. I've read it. Several times. And gaped at the sheer....wrongness of everything you think. About me, my friends, and OM. This is the main reason I don't ever want to be friends again. Not best friends, anyway. It's not because you're highly irrational, petty, and flighty. It's not because you're oversensitive and I have to watch my words. It's not because you don't ever have the courage to fix and resolve your mistakes. It's not because I think I could do perfectly well without a loyal and trustworthy best friend. It's because you're one of those gone case students. Metaphorically speaking you're that student that's been getting straight Us in every subject and A levels is the next day). There is just no hope. Or time. You've been wrong from the very beginning and even if I want to correct it, I wouldn't know where to begin.
And not every situation calls for me to be confrontational. This is one of them but you want it so here. Take it. YOU DIDN'T EVEN REPLY ME AT ALL. CONFRONTATIONAL MY ASS. I ACTUALLY TRIED TO CALL YOU.
Anyway yeah that's it hahaha. WHEEEEW that was long. Sorry if it killed anybody's eyes. Or brain cells. (Fairy has that effect on people.)
I'd like to make it clear that despite some of my condescending comments (I honestly can't help it. I'm delighted to finally be genuinely mad at someone. It's been so long D:) I don't hate her, though at this point in time she's far from my favourite person in the world. And if she valued our friendship enough to reply my messages, I'd help her in fixing this mess.
And that I should be happy that toxic people with toxic opinions, who blame whatever mood I've been in for the past few months on MY BOYFRIEND, RATHER THAN MY ANXIETY ABOUT MY FUTURE, are gone from my life. And yes, I'm referring to an ex-friend of mine. I wonder if she reads this blog. Well if she does, that's great. She can finally understand EVERYTHING. Anyway I should begin from the beginning. I am just gonna show this post to anyone who asks about my drama with her so that I save the tedious effort of explaining things.
No, this isn't a cyber attack. There is nothing spiteful about what I'm writing (for some reason she seems to assume everything I'm writing involving her is about something spiteful or malicious. Oh pleaaaase. I'm not that immature. Unlike some people lmao), I'm just gonna be narrating the sequence of events and my point-of-view. Also because I feel that FINALLY writing -and rationalizing- all this is a good, clean way to end everything once and for all, to myself and to everyone who asks.
Before 19/4/2016
Everything was more or less peachy. We were still on very good terms, and best friends. She slept over at my house a lot and hung out with my family. Recently the both of us have been very stressed about university admissions. And I mean veeeery stressed. But our relationship was still cool. I got pretty annoyed that she kept trash-talking JC students who worry about university admissions, because, obviously, I AM ONE OF THEM. Does she not realize that??? (There was this one incident where she REALLY, REALLY, overreacted to smth I retweeted about how NUS takes forever to reply. Like she went on a loooong rant about how JC students should just shut up about uni admissions if their grades are shit because no one would want them anyway. Yeah. Thanks for that btw. Really made me feel better. Prior to this, during NTU open house she was throwing shade, once again, at JC students which annoyed like. Me, Turban and this schoolmate of ours we bumped into. We were all JC students. Sometimes I wonder if she ever thinks about the people she's talking to before she runs her mouth)
But yeah I kinda just sucked it up and kept it to myself, since she was so stressed about it and everything. In fact, I kinda kept most of my stress to myself, because I really didn't want to stress her out. I decided to be the calm and chill one in this duo. She was already super high-strung as it was. She was dreading going back to her part-time job at some private lab because the working conditions are so shitty. She said smth about wanting to cut off ties with people, because of how shitty her work is. Which honestly made zero sense. But whatever, I kinda thought to myself "oh maaaan. Not this again." because she did the same thing in O levels. And in her 2nd year of poly. Shit happened, EllenD couldn't take it, I was forced to make a bad decision. Moving on.
I started to wonder if she was gonna do this at every major stage of her life. And it turns out, I was right.
19/4/2016:
I was still taking my part-time job, in the middle of the afternoon shift. Out of nowhere I get a whatsapp message from her saying, "we can't be friends anymore" and I proceed to ask her why, only to find out she has blocked me. From Whatsapp and Twitter. I didn't really bother checking the other social media because those were the main ones used for communication. I might have texted her, but if I did she didn't reply.
Obviously I was kinda pissy. I mean, wth. All these years of friendship?? And for no explained reason??? Like come on at least tell me what's wrong. I mean, yes, she had irritated me several times recently but I put up with it since I knew we were both really stressed about university admissions so what gives??? Is she overreacting again to something I tweeted, or retweeted? Tbh I was more angry at the fact that she didn't want to give me an explanation, than I was at the fact that she decided to break everything off. Why did she even have to block me? We could just not see or talk to each other much but still see each other on social media, that'd have been fine with me. Anyway at that point I wasn't mad that things broke off. I felt slightly relieved because her stress has been really getting to me and it's been draining me.
4/5/2016:
I got into some mad fight with my mom. We were in the middle of the road and she told me to get out of the car. I swore at her and stormed out. Obviously she expected me to come home with my tail in between my legs. But I decided fuck no, because I was so hopping mad. I marched up and sat at one of those fenced deserted patch of grasslands until I've calmed down sufficiently. I called Tall Lolita, and she said yeah, her parents were chill with me staying over last minute so I made my way there. Stopped over at Watsons to get some toiletries and I was off.
Also my phone ran out of battery and I didn't bring a charger or cable. OJ and her family were all Android users (smh) so I wasn't contactable.
I had a great time at TL's house. It was so big and peaceful. I had a room all to myself which I'm super thankful for, because I definitely needed some me time. TL and I were on the internet staring at cute dresses until 2+am in the morning. I called OM before I slept, to ask about things cuz I knew my mom would've probably went bananas and started calling EVERYBODY. I seriously forgot that she'd have called her. I didn't tell my mom that she and I "fought" (is it a fight if it's completely one-sided?) because I didn't really understand anything that was happening either, so I honestly didn't really know how to explain anything to anyone. And apparently she went bananas as well and contacted everybody, including OM whom she so blatantly despises. So he told me everything. And I was kinda happy cuz that showed that she wasn't a total dick and that maybe we were still kinda friends. Though I was/am STILL. at the same time, really mad at her for ending things without an explanation.
Human beings are complex creatures. Maybe the simpler ones don't experience this, but most people feel a wondrous cocktail of emotions at any given point in time. E.g. I am:
a) tired because I've run out of coffee
b) happy because I purchased something on the internet that I've wanted for a long time
c) sad that my bank account has shrunk.
Anyway, I was really dreading the next day because I had to clear all this shit up. I finally replied my mom and we met up at orchard because I still had my dentist appointment (I had to remove my sutures). Then I get this:
Anyway I decided to actually try to resolve this mess because if this was all because of some huge misunderstanding, it could totally be cleared up. Like, we didn't have to be friends but we could clear up any ill feelings that currently existed. I have no idea if she blocked me on Skype, since I pretty much never used Skype. Not since Nate anyway. So I Skyped her and hoped for the best.
When I reread this I guess it was more condescending than I intended (because I was still kinda mad), but overall it wasn't a nasty message. I just wanted her to talk to me so that we could resolve this. I was paranoid that she blocked me on Skype, so I emailed her the same message just in case, since gmail doesn't allow you to block people (never thought I'd be thankful for this).
And then I get THIS...bitchy (seriously that's the only word for it) response:
First of all, let me point out all the ironies in this message:
a) she isn't being a "bigger person" by responding in this manner. At all.
b) she's the one trying to have the last word
c) she literally applied for the same course as me, NTU english, so she has equal prospects of becoming an english teacher.(In fact, higher, since she actually made it in)
d) I don't actually ever bother correcting her language (or anyone else's for that matter, unless they ask me to) since I realized it'd hurt other people's feelings and that'd just make me a condescending asshole. Although it's amusing that she feels the need to highlight her linguistic insecurities to me, even in a scathing message (also, it's mice, not mouses. LOL)
Excuse me, ideas and opinions are crushed by people around me??? Where does that even come from I'm the most opinionated person I know (2nd only to her). Just ask OM. Or Turban, Or like, The Clique. Who unfortunately get the short end of the stick by having to deal with that aspect of my personality. (I'm not sure about Mermaid Daughter and Tall Lolita I feel like we're all kinda opinionated but around each other we're more or less chill)
I guess she doesn't really know that since I usually don't make it a point to express it to her. BUT WHY WOULD I? I totally disagree with her nihilistic and self-destructive way of thinking but HOW CAN I TELL HER THAT? She's so sensitive about everything (like seriously. She freaking exploded at something I retweeted, Scroll up) and in the instances that I DO express it to her we just go on this really really (I'm talking several hours) long illogical misshapen circle because she keeps nonsensically leaping everywhere. Like we could be talking about the beaches in Zimbabwe and she'd jump and talk about the butterflies in Switzerland. To a point where I get SO FED UP. Because she just doesn't seem to get it. And she's so adversarial about it. I just want a nice calm discussion where we exchange our ideas and express our opinions not some aggressive and tedious debate. That makes no sense whatsoever, I might add.
Anyway I guess she calmed down (ever so slightly) at some point and unblocked me on Whatsapp to explain things. She hasn't blocked me after sending it to me, miraculously enough, Though the fact that she didn't reply to any of the messages I sent means that she's ignoring me. Which makes the whole thing about not blocking me....moot. Her message is kinda long and tedious and to make it easier for anyone reading to understand my response, I'm just gonna insert my comments in between in a different colour. I copied and pasted the message here because I decided not to crash my phone with all the screen caps.
I really don't know what your deal is. You already said you won't bother chasing me then what's the point of sending that message? Why did you see a need to even say anything?
Because, OBVIOUSLY, I'm trying to be a grownass adult and resolve this mess, rather than run, hide and block it out like what you're doing.
Hey, you made it clear that you could less already so i really don't know why you want to get the last word. Does it make you feel better about yourself? To finally seem like a winner or some semblance of it by writing what you wrote?
Why do you keep going on and on about stuff like being a "bigger person" and "having the last word"? Is that all that you think about? Can't you see that I'm TRYING to get us to talk so that we can resolve this? What's this about winning or losing, is this all about pride??? Are YOU seriously trying to feel better by beating me down because I lack confidence in myself?
Look. You know that i'm reactive as a person and that does not excuse me from my actions.(yes. It does not. At all.) However, you, a self-proclaimed self-aware individual (when did I ever proclaim this???), is pretty oblivious when you're being lied to. I honestly thought you were smarter than this. Your boyfriend made YOU sound like you WANTED to talk to me. He told me that you were appreciative and touched that i even cared about you, and that you wanted me to unblock you so that you could thank me.
??? BUT I SAID I WAS HAPPY THAT YOU CARED IN MY SKYPE/EMAIL. I LITERALLY SAID THAT. DIDN'T YOU READ MY SKYPE/EMAIL??? I literally told you "LET'S TALK"
Shame on me for believing his words. Shame on me for giving you the benefit of a doubt. But, at least I know that I won't have to live happily ever after with a liar, with someone who will deceive and omit details, just to befit him.
Bruh the only person deceived is yourself. By yourself. Also you blocked me before I could say anything else on Twitter so.
What does OM even gain from this??
(once again it's about winning and losing. Pride and shame. I'm seeing a pattern.)
And honestly, based on your message. You never view our friendship as a friendship after the 1st time or maybe some time after the 1st time i pulled such a stunt.
Actually I have always valued our friendship. Which is why I stuck to you even though you cut me off like. Twice. Dude. But anyway HOW IS ANYONE supposed to react to somebody who CONSISTENTLY TRIES TO CUT YOU OFF?! Why don't YOU think about the "stunt[s]" you pulled? Rather than shit on people for getting tired of being treated like disposables.
I'm glad you knew they were stunts btw. You used the word "stunt". You're literally admitting that YOU KNEW it was a huge risk and that it's something you shouldn't do again. But did anyway. Thrice.
Let me ask you. Did you really care about this friendship or you were happy with the attention and gifts, EllenD and I showered you with early on in our friendship?
Hmm. I did like the gifts. Who wouldn't? Though I never expected, or asked for any. It's not like you even give me stuff on a regular basis anyway? And I give you stuff too? So why is this even being brought up?
Let me also just say that, i don't get why you need to censor yourself. If i get mad, just let me get mad. I'll come around and will eventually realise where i'm wrong.
HAH. Really. Well. If you say so.
The minute you choose to censor yourself, the minute i chose to keep my mouth shut about the bad changes in you, was the day the friendship already fell apart.
Bruh I censor myself all the time, ever since I was born. Because it is NECESSARY. You can't shove yourself and your opinions in everybody's faces. Do you live in Tumblr? And I did it because I was considerate of your feelings and how I might hurt you. You're welcome.
Also what part of me changed?? I don't think I've changed. At all. And I'm kinda upset about that, actually.
If you cannot be honest with me and if you find it tiring to censor yourself. Then can you please look very closely at the kind of friends you're attracting?
What's wrong with the friends I'm attracting? I like my friends. Are you seriously throwing shade on people you don't even know??? MD and TL are great people. Smh MD literally tried to defend YOUR actions when I was telling her about our fight. Though yeah we could do with a bit more drive and discipline.
Tell me. How often do you need to be careful of what you say to them? How often do you have to tailor yourself to fit them?
Um. None of the time? With the exception of you, I've never had to tailor myself to fit anybody, actually. Omg it's been like 5 years and you honestly don't know me, or my friends, at all.
And if you think you can't be honest with me, go talk to A, B, C etc. These people have been brutually honest with me yet we still remain as friends. They've said stuff which pissed me off but, we're still friends and I make the bloody concious effort not to piss them off again. If you don't tell me, how will I know?
I'm gonna be an ass and point out you misspelled "brutally" and "conscious". Anyway.
YEAH THEY'RE YOUR FRIENDS, BUT THEY'RE NOT YOUR BEST FRIENDS. I'm supposed to be the person you can turn to without having to worry about getting a mean or rude judgments. And give you advice when I see that I have to. If I REALLY disagree, I'll definitely make that clear. In short, I AM DUTY BOUND TO NOT BE AN ASS. Though I'm not now, which is why I corrected your spelling.
Eg. The lift incident; after you told me. I kept my mouth shut. Sure i was annoyed but, since you cared about it, i cared about it.
Explanation: She was throwing shade on old people. When we were in a lift with old people. LIKE, HELLO?????????
Regarding the blocking; i've told you before the reason. We discussed it before. It's the same reason as always - i don't feel appreciated, it feels like i'm at the backseat. (ok this makes no sense whatsoever. You feel underappreciated, so you prevent people from the means of showing you any by blocking them. Ok. A+ logic) I hate that you have double standards for your boyfriend and everyone else. This is how i interpret your double standard → 'if it's everyone else, if they have flaws i don't like, i rather avoid or tell them off rather than tolerating them (if I tell them off, how am I tolerating them??? Not that I have.) BUT for my boyfriend, it's different so i have to learn how to tolerate him.'
Bruh. This is the guy that I'm possibly marrying. I HAVE to learn to tolerate his quirks.
... ...Ok I lied, I don't tolerate them at all, when I get mad or irritated at him I just blow up in his face and give it to him straight. I'm a bad girlfriend.
Actually that means that I tolerate everybody else but him. And I tolerated you to a very unfair degree. Woman, you have it the wrong way round.
This is really a huge ass joke here. You probably won't even read the entire thing. Well, you wanted me to be a confrontational person, i'm showing you i'm one although i rather not be one because this isn't something that can be resolved.
The fact that I had to chase you. Several times. To tell me all this. Shows that you're not being confrontational, at all. Nothing stays unresolved if you actually try to resolve it. But since you can't give a rat's fart to piece back the vase you broke then I guess it will not be. I'll always be willing to talk it out if you ever actually have the courage to do so. I mean I fixed the previous 2. Isn't it your turn?
At the end of the day, even if we go back to being friends or whatever that means, the cracks are already there. I don't know how willing you'll be to even want to go through this arduous task again.
Am starting to wonder if you've even read my email carefully. I didn't mention anything about going back to being friends. I just want to resolve this so that there's no ill feelings between us.
If you think for a second that I haven't been agonising over this issue. I have. If you realised how much i zoned out, it's because i am having these thoughts and i have to clam(p) them down. If you realised, i purposely withdrew from you so that your boyfriend won't kick up such a fuss anymore.
So you kicked up a gigantic fuss that trumps his?
But he doesn't kick up a fuss? He was just jealous that you get to sleep over at my place and that I don't throw shit at you when I throw a lot of shit at him? Also he's leaving for 4 years for Oxford. You and I will be in Singapore while he isn't so why is he not allowed to feel jealous?
Apart from me randomly blocking people and my sensitive nature.(bruh those are HUUGE issues) I suspect you have a lot more issues with me than you care to let on (um. Not as much as you have, hombre. I just have to deal with getting accepted into uni and combating my procrastination. In all other aspects, I think I'm peachy). So if you even want to try to resolve this, the ball is in your court since I've said my piece.
You expect me to resolve all this, ONCE AGAIN??? For the 3rd time??? WHY CAN'T YOU GET OFF YOUR PALE BONY ASS AND DO IT FOR ONCE.
Really. Stop behaving like Om. (When did I ever behave like OM???) Start realising who you are or what has changed about you. (??? What? My lack of a future? That's about it as of now tbh) Start realising that, you're not the one controlling this relationship. He is. (bruh. I reaaaallyy beg to differ. I also don't appreciate you thinking you know everything about our relationship and making judgments with the little information you have) You're basically tailoring yourself to fit them and blocking out unattractive aspects of him/rationalising those aspects are okay.
Um. Not at all actually. HE has been doing that. I haven't. He has had to change himself A LOT to fit me while I'm here sitting on the swing and humming. Does he have unattractive aspects? Yes. But do I have unattractive aspects? Hell yes. I don't see why you think I should diss him for his negative aspects when I don't diss you at all for yours.
Also, if you're gonna get mad and be all - "idk how he is like" let me just say, he didn't left a good impression on me (based on the 3 times you've briefly met him over the past 5 years? And the 0 conversations you've had with him? Also it is "leave"), you've been telling me a lot of bad things about him (Yes I tell you about our fights. But I also tell you that they're always resolved. Unlike ours lmao), and even when you do tell me nice things about him, eg. Him treating you to food you when you insist nit to the he brings up the fact that you owe him $XXX. (...and he has stood up to my overbearing dad a million times, stood up to The Teacher for me. Helped me as much as he can academically, worry about my health when I work and study; bought me a rose, baked me a chocolate lava cake, turned up in a tux for our Valentines date because he tried his hardest to be romantic because he really isn't; patiently deals with my parents when I go MIA, comforted me and made me laugh a million times whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed and stressed; is usually the rational one in fights and actually tries to resolve it while I get mad and block him. He's the me in our friendship, funnily enough. In comparison I've barely done anything and I feel horrible about that) This has reached a point where you treat each other stuff. So...is it a transactional relationship or am i wrong? (you think this relationship is based on food???? You think my 3 year, 100% serious relationship with OM is based off food??? Are you fucking kidding me?? Omg now I'm REALLY starting to wonder what goes on in your head. What is wrong with 2 people treating one another anyway? Why is that even negative?) Same goes for our 'friendship', is it transactional to you or am i wrong? (in what way was it transactional??? What are we even transacting??? Well it's not food since neither of us ever treat each other to meals. ._. Is it tatami mats, shampoos and body scrubs since you're always sleeping over at my place? In that case I don't even get anything in return I don't sleep over at your house)
You want to know the reason why. Here. Go. Read. It.
(Lol. I've read it. Several times. And gaped at the sheer....wrongness of everything you think. About me, my friends, and OM. This is the main reason I don't ever want to be friends again. Not best friends, anyway. It's not because you're highly irrational, petty, and flighty. It's not because you're oversensitive and I have to watch my words. It's not because you don't ever have the courage to fix and resolve your mistakes. It's not because I think I could do perfectly well without a loyal and trustworthy best friend. It's because you're one of those gone case students. Metaphorically speaking you're that student that's been getting straight Us in every subject and A levels is the next day). There is just no hope. Or time. You've been wrong from the very beginning and even if I want to correct it, I wouldn't know where to begin.
And not every situation calls for me to be confrontational. This is one of them but you want it so here. Take it. YOU DIDN'T EVEN REPLY ME AT ALL. CONFRONTATIONAL MY ASS. I ACTUALLY TRIED TO CALL YOU.
Anyway yeah that's it hahaha. WHEEEEW that was long. Sorry if it killed anybody's eyes. Or brain cells. (Fairy has that effect on people.)
I'd like to make it clear that despite some of my condescending comments (I honestly can't help it. I'm delighted to finally be genuinely mad at someone. It's been so long D:) I don't hate her, though at this point in time she's far from my favourite person in the world. And if she valued our friendship enough to reply my messages, I'd help her in fixing this mess.
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